New relationships frequently get off to a passionate and steamy start. However they ultimately fall into the all too common pattern that so many happily married couples do. It seems like intimacy is becoming less common less fascinating too ordinary boring or even like a duty. Is any of this stuff recognizable
You should not expect to be in a relationship for as long as you were when you first started dating but you also should not expect to live a life that is clichéd and boring which is all too often the case in long term committed relationships. What then stands in the way of your perfect personal connection with your partner one that is passionate exciting and enjoyable
These 4 little things destroy marriage intimacy
1. There is not enough time in your daily life
I am a girl from the city. That implies that for me 9 to 5 is rarely 9 to 5 and that does not even account for my commute. Fortunately my job schedule is set in stone Monday through Friday but my partner’s work schedule is not the same. And his circadian cycle does not either. I am a silly person. Since I only have the mornings to myself and am most productive then I get up early. He is an owl. Despite his best efforts he is unable to go to bed before midnight which is considered early for him.
We have not even discussed our interests he is an artist I am an entrepreneur obligations to our families social events or sleep There is just too much for this metropolitan girl to handle daily. Although I think rural living has a distinct content I wonder if the time problems are not the same. Humans seem to always manage to keep their plates full even if their only activities are jobs and family which seems improbable.
You can not expect to stay in a new relationship and retain the same degree of enthusiasm and interest. Furthermore you are not destined for the corny dull love life that some long term partnerships might have. In a serious long term relationship however we must schedule time for physical closeness. Here are some things you might try if you are both too busy or if it is difficult for your schedules to coincide
- The moment you climb into bed is not when the personal relationship begins. When you have a hectic lifestyle Jamie Long Psy.D. offers 12 to 30 second strategies for connecting in Psychology Today. If you use any of these easy fixes throughout the day you may find that your nightly connection is deeper.
- It might appear less romantic if you have techniques for closeness. What though is not romantic Being distant In a piece that the New York Post republished Ben Kassoy offers several doable tactics for getting things done including hard labor communication compromise and compartmentalization.
In the Huffington Post Samantha Rodman Ph.D offers some creative and useful ideas for thinking outside the box so you can jump into bed together. To start she suggests turning off the TV.
2. Your energy level is low.
It takes energy to be intimate. It is only physics. A Woman’s Day article claims that having a sexual encounter burns 144 calories every 30 minutes. That is more energy than a mile run by a person of average weight.
If you were to consider running a mile at the end of the day how would you feel For me that looks like this rising at four in the morning to work on my business mental energy and maybe squeeze in some exercise getting ready for my hour long commute to work working nine hours using mental energy to solve problems and deal with people rushing out of the office to start my hour long commute home and finally deciding what to eat before I collapse at the end of the day.
I am not a parent. I do not make supper for a household. I do not have many extracurricular activities or volunteer or community service obligations right now. And every day ends with me exhausted. What say you But if maintaining a relatively regular physical connection with your spouse is still important to you, here are some ways you might try
- In his In Praise of Slowness TED Talk Carl Honore recommends that we take everything slowly. To be honest when I first saw the headline I thought it was impossible. However even for an achiever like me I thought he made several strong points that were worth carefully pondering while I watched.
I find it difficult to do this but I have had some progress on my own with eating a healthy diet and working out frequently. When I’m in good health and fitness, I not only feel more energized but I also feel more attractive and have a notably stronger drive.
- Another option is to try grinning! A TED talk titled The Hidden Power of Smiling features research by Ron Gutman that indicates smiling has a greater effect on our emotions than chocolate. Smiling has been shown to improve longevity and overall well being so give it a shot.
It can be annoying for both you and your partner when their enthusiasm in intimacy wanes. I just had a conversation with a girlfriend who is single and has struggled with low libido for over a year. When she discussed it I found it surprising that her doctor did not have any concrete recommendations and seemed to be underlining the idea that a lack of intimacy does not have a big influence. While I agree that it is not life threatening it may compromise one’s quality of life.
A 2018 study found that several physical and mental health issues including dysfunction long standing medical disorders depression trouble walking up stairs and worse health may be linked to a lack of desire in intimacy. It is interesting to note that neither menopause status nor male circumcision were shown to be statistically significant in this study.
There may be various relationship variables with much more accessible answers even when physical and mental health concerns may necessitate medical expert involvement. Having young children not having enough fulfilling closeness because of different tastes not having enough intimacy finding it difficult to discuss intimacy and believing that people desire less intimacy as they get older were all connected to a lack of interest in intimacy. Addressing some of these relational characteristics may help if you are struggling with a lack of interest in intimacy. Here are some recommendations
- According to the study a disparity in childrearing duties may have an impact on women more than males when it comes to caring for young children. A 50/50 split might not be feasible for every marriage according to Cori Howard. However more equilibrium in the bedroom might result from more equilibrium in the parental responsibilities.
- Managing disparate personal preferences might lead to conflict. To cope with incompatibility Kaylan10 offers a few solutions one of which is to find a middle ground.
- According to the study men’s attraction to women appeared to drop in response to a lack of closeness or self pleasure whereas the opposite appeared to be true for women. That may imply that it is more crucial for women to maintain their mojo. Betty Dodson who wrote Intimacy for One has been closely involved in her community long into her seventies. There could be a few things that Betty can teach us all.
- Discussing intimacy can indeed be uncomfortable. Identify it as a psychological social religious or cultural problem. No matter the problem couples occasionally require assistance. Talking about the closeness of another person is a fun approach to start a conversation on intimacy. Discuss your wants dreams and desires by reading a hot book or magazine together. An enjoyable place to begin is with Nancy Friday feminine fantasy series.
- As you become older, discuss what closeness means to you.
3. Your level of expertise is insufficient
I was frustrated when I was in my early 30s. I was happily married deeply in love and yet not content. Furthermore it was not due to a lack of desire or effort. I simply did not know what my body need to be content. Even worse I was ignorant of my ignorance. I had no idea there was such a thing as high quality information. I had failed via the natural path of trial and error in my twenties. It istrue that practice does not equal perfection. Eventually the light was switched on one day.
I entered the Love Boutique located in Santa Monica California. The salesperson took twenty minutes to describe one gadget to my pals and me. For me that twenty minutes changed everything about love. Intimate happiness was no longer an elusive mystery. There is hope if despite your desire and activity your relationships are not living up to your expectations:
- The Guide to Getting It On was my favorite reference many years ago while I was preparing to sell adult toys. This is a comprehensive engaging and inclusive resource that you should explore together.
- Take a look at the TED playlist Talks packed with strange information about intimacy. It promises to be enjoyable thought provoking and as usual educational.
4. You lack enough kindness
Even in the finest long term committed relationships things are not always sunshine and flowers. Conflicts arise. Conditions in life lead to tensions and anxieties. money. raising children. Setbacks in the workplace. In laws. The list is endless. You may not always feel romantically attached to your one and only.
Being physically apart simply makes your problems worse. The stress in your relationship increases when those tendencies continue. Intimate relationships may suffer as a result of those stresses. There are moments when you simply do not feel romantically attached to your one and only. It is critical to have practical plans in place to get through trying situations.
- Gaining effective compromising skills can have a significant impact. To reach agreements where you both feel like you are getting the better end of the bargain it is important to identify the areas where your needs and goals overlap and complement one another. A free worksheet for preparing for negotiations is included in the post.
- Establishing ground rules for disagreements helps foster a relationship in which connection and conflict can coexist while also fostering trust and safety.
- Some of the problems in your relationship may be the result of misperceptions about the behaviors of men and women. A wealth of material is available to shed additional light on the differences between men and women’s priorities and how to cooperate to build harmony in a relationship.
